Finding The Way Home
by Jag-Fel
Summary: Seth, having left Newport after Ryan left for Chino, struggles with his feelings and finally returns home. Might become a full-length story. SS, might become more. PG13 to be safe.
1. Home

Finding The Way Home

Author: Jag-Fel

Genre: Drama/Romance

Era/Setting: post-"Ties That Bind"

Disclaimer: Not mine.

Notes: The song is "Home" by Michael Buble. I don't own that either.

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_Another summer day  
Is come and gone away  
In Paris and Rome  
But I wanna go home  
Mmmmmmmm_

A deep frown scarred the expression of Seth Cohen as he stared out over the expanse of the Pacific Ocean. He'd been gone for what felt like months. The Summer Breeze was docked at another anonymous harbor, but Seth couldn't find it within himself to return after all that had happened. Ryan gone back to Chino. Seth had left Summer...

God, he left Summer. For the millionth time, Seth swore to himself and tried to fight the onslaught of tears that had plagued him for the month he'd been gone.

"Alright," he said quietly, mostly to himself, as no one else was present. "Someone tell me what to do."

Maybe part of him was expecting an answer, but only silence reigned after Seth's quiet words. A pang of tumultuous guilt tore through Seth's chest, finally breaking the damn holding back his flood of tears. Seth buried his face in his hands, climatically letting his tears fall unchecked.

_Maybe surrounded by  
A million people I  
Still feel all alone  
I just wanna go home  
Oh I miss you, you know_

Even more than his parents, Seth missed that one girl, his Summer, more than anything. He'd traveled to several ports and harbors on his way along the Pacific coast, but he'd never felt more alone. Even more than his childhood, when he'd had no one. But he'd always had no one. Now he'd left everything good in his life behind.

Another sob brought Seth back into reality, summoning his courage to try and soldier on, like the characters in his comic books would have.

"Spiderman wouldn't have sailed away," Seth remarked sadly, tying his boat off in the cold morning harbor. "No, he would have confronted what had happened. Then again, I'm no Spiderman."

No, he was just Seth Cohen, teenager, trying to figure out how the hell he'd managed to get into this predicament.

_And I've been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you  
Each one a line or two  
"I'm fine baby, how are you?"  
Well I would send them but I know that it's just not enough  
My words were cold and flat  
And you deserve more than that_

Seth dried his tears and laid back on the Summer Breeze, a pile of folded papers resting on his stomach. With great effort, he cracked one open, reading its contents. Another one of his unfinished letters to Summer, the kind he'd written every day since leaving and never taken the chance to finish and send.

He wanted to tell her everything, to explain why he'd left, but every time he tried to explain it, he'd collapsed. No small amount of writing could fix what he'd done, no paper could properly explain Seth's emotions.

The way he'd left her... God, the way he'd left her. With just a damned note, not even man enough to explain the way he was feeling to Summer in person. What kind of person does that? Seth Cohen did, apparently.

"Summer deserves better than that," he murmured to no one again. "Deserves better than me, anyway."

_Another aeroplane  
Another sunny place  
I'm lucky I know  
But I wanna go home  
Mmmm, I've got to go home_

Sailing the coast of the Pacific had been monotonous. Everywhere he went, more of the same. More sunny, superficial coastline, more spoiled rich people lining the shores. Seth knew perfectly well that he'd lived on that same sunny and superficial coastline, had been a spoiled rich person lining those shores himself. But that didn't change his own personal outrage.

Seth supposed it really had little to do with the climates and people, but more to do with coping with what he'd done. Leaving his family, Summer, everything he knew...

_Let me go home  
I'm just too far from where you are  
I wanna come home_

The sun was rising now, replacing the dull purples and pinks of sunrise with an equally dull orange just minutes before that sphere of warmth and brightness ushered its mighty entourage into the sky, bringing another day with its rays.

"Another day away from home," Seth chanted, almost lyrical, dipping his bare feet in the cool water. "Another day from Summer."

Or another day of summer, the season. Taking into account the bullying and teasing of his earlier years, Seth felt his tears well up again as he could definitively consider this summer the worst summer ever. Ever.

Leaning back and reaching for his backpack, Seth dug deep and pulled out an object that held great significance. Even with his vague plastic horse expression, even Captain Oats seemed to frown at Seth, voicing his displeasure.

"I know, man, you want to be here just as badly as I do. Not at all."

_And I feel just like I'm living someone else's life  
It's like I just stepped outside  
When everything was going right  
And I know just why you could not  
Come along with me  
But this was not your dream  
But you always believe in me_

When the realization that Ryan was leaving, completely stepping out of Seth's life, had occurred to him, Seth felt like he'd entered an alternate dimension. Like he was walking in someone else's shoes. Everything had been perfect. He had a friend – no, a brother – a host of friends... a girlfriend, even, and he loved her. Damn, he loved her.

Sailing away was like he'd just stepped outside of his problems for a moment, a second, a brief inhalation. Part of Seth, no all of Seth, wished he'd asked Summer to come with him, to work this out between them. Maybe together there would have been an answer.

But not now. Not after Seth had left. Not after he'd been gone for a month.

Summer had meant everything to Seth. She'd been the center of his galaxy, his universe. She'd stabilized his eccentricities and idiosyncrasies. She'd been the Robin to his Batman. Wait, bad analogy.

"How about the Princess Sparkle to my Captain Oats?" he asked himself, nodding in approval instantly.

_Another winter day has come  
And gone away  
And even Paris and Rome  
And I wanna go home  
Let me go home_

It seemed like every day longer he was gone, the days grew shorter and the weather cooler. He awoke in the mornings shivering, wanting to return home, to sleep in his own bed, to be embarrassed by his parents, to hold Summer in his arms... Hell, he'd even deal with Marissa's problems if it meant returning home.

Seth had realized early on that no place could possibly replace Newport as home, but he'd still been incapacitated in his valiant attempts to return. That morning, Seth wiped the dry tears from his cheek. His cold, callused fingers gripped the ropes that commanded his catamaran's sails. Seth hauled himself to his knees, securing the sail for another voyage.

He was leaving that anonymous port.

_And I'm surrounded by  
A million people I  
Still feel alone  
Oh, let go home  
Oh, I miss you, you know_

As he set the Summer Breeze slicing through the Pacific waters, Seth frowned at the hosts of people clamoring to their own boats as morning grew upon them. Not unlike him, they found at peace with the water, enjoying the peace of morning sailing.

Even with others following his calling, Seth felt alone. Still no family, no friends, no Summer. He needed to return. He had to return home and beg forgiveness from everyone. He needed to see Ryan, to tell his family he'd never run away again, to tell Summer he loved her... he really, really loved her.

There was no question about it, Seth was sailing home that day.

_Let me go home  
I've had my run  
Baby, I'm done  
I gotta go home  
Let me go home  
It will all right  
I'll be home tonight  
I'm coming back home_

Newport Beach looked so much smaller when you approach it from the ocean. Smaller even more when you've been gone for a month. Seth coasted his boat into the harbor, docking at his usual berth. The dock workers glanced at him nervously, as if they recognized him and were considering their options. Seth hoped they wouldn't call the police.

Putting one foot in front of the other, he began walking. The streets flew by. Like he'd never left, the Cohen house looked as quiet as it always had before Ryan. It wasn't time to return to an empty home.

No, Seth's destination was another home. Feeling out of place and guilty, Seth shouldered his backpack and walked toward the door of the Roberts' mansion. He set the pack beside a tall pillar and wished he was as tall and strong as that pillar, but he'd have to be.

Taking a deep breath, Seth reached for the doorbell.

No matter what happened, Seth Cohen was home.

The door opened, replacing the monotonous white door with the small form of Summer Roberts, a face Seth would have recognized anywhere. Her eyes glazed over and she stepped back, covering her mouth with a hand.

"Seth?" she asked, suddenly shy and quiet.

"It's me," he whispered, suddenly unable to find his own voice. "Hi Summer."

Tears formed in her gorgeous brown eyes. Seth felt his heart breaking, so he met her halfway and hugged her tightly, tossing all cares to the wind.

"I missed you so damn much, Summer," he cried. "I love you and I'm not leaving you again."

"I missed you to, Seth," she murmured into his shoulder.

To possibly be continued maybe.

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	2. Find a Way Back

_A huge thank you to all of my readers and reviewers, but especially the reviewers; you guys are the lifeblood of this website. Without further ado, here's chapter two!_

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Chapter 2: Find a Way Back...

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Feeling a sudden twist in her stomach, Summer opened her eyes and pushed aside the calming feeling that had been prevailing throughout her body. Seeing Seth Cohen's shoulder before her and feeling his arms around her, she pushed him away firmly. "God, Cohen! Where the hell have you been?" 

"Summer, what?" Seth asked, taken aback and confused by her apparent bipolar-ness.

"You left me, Cohen, for a month," she shrieked, her voice scolding. "What do you expect after that, huh? You think I'll just take you back, that everything can go back to the way it was?"

"Well no, but – Summer, just let me..."

She wouldn't have it. Summer stomped her foot and spun away. It seemed so melodramatic, like some stupid soap opera Seth imaged her watching during the lonely summer afternoons. "No, Seth, no. You left me with nothing but a note, a note that didn't even properly explain why you were leaving me. I cried my eyes out for weeks, praying each day that you'd, like, come back and everything would be alright," Summer trailed off, trying to dry her eyes. Her angry rant had turned into a mournful tirade. Tears were freely running down her formerly pristine cheeks, marring her cheeks with mascara.

"But I came back..."

"It's too late for some things, Seth," she said quietly, regaining her composure and sounding more grim that he had ever heard her. Inside Summer was falling apart. She truly had been crying for weeks, almost daily since he'd left. Truth be told, Summer had been laying on her bed and weeping, clinging to Princess Sparkle as if the plastic horse was her lifeline. The outbreaks of tears had become less frequent, but Summer became more lonely as the days grew on.

But here he was, straight from her dreams, Seth Cohen, live and in living color. Now that he was here, Summer wanted nothing more than to fall back into his arms and let him tell her that everything was alright, tell her that he loved her, tell her how much he cared. But things just seemed a little more complicated after Seth's little 'vacation'.

"Summer, you need to know."

"I need to know what, Cohen?" she had calmed. Well, she wasn't screaming anymore.

Seth took a step toward her, trying to grab her hand, but her hands landed squarely against his chest. A quick application of Newton's First Law stating an object at rest will stay at rest until an outside force is applied to it had Seth propelled away from her.

"Seth, I have nothing to say to you. You left me, like high and dry, for a month. A month, Cohen!"

Uh-oh, she was using his first name. This was getting bad. Part of him had already acknowledged the futility in trying to make her see reason. Summer _did_ suffer from rage blackouts, after all. For a moment Seth dared to wonder whether or not Summer actually _suffered_ from rage blackouts, or if she enjoyed every perfect malevolent moment. "Summer, I'm so sorry. I came back, though, for you. I couldn't be away from you."

Summer sighed softly, taking a step back inside. "I missed you terribly, Cohen. I've thought about you every day since, but I can't do this. Not right now at least."

Seth just stared as the door closed behind her, in front of him. Summer's lovely form just seemed to miraculously be replaced by the door. Unable to process his thoughts any longer, Seth sat down, cross-legged before the Roberts' door.

None of this was supposed to happen. Seth hadn't meant for everything to be so messed up. Ryan wasn't supposed to leave and raise a child that might not have even been his own. Theresa never should have appeared in Newport. Yes, Seth decided, that was when everything went awry. It had all started with Theresa, but that didn't explain or justify his running away from Summer.

"Summer..." he whispered to the door, but no reply came. Obviously, it was a door, and doors don't usually answer. If it had answered, Seth realized he'd be committing himself to the 'mental' pretty quick.

Seth just stared at the door for a few more minutes, trying to figure out what he had to do. Unable to fight the burning urge to act, he stood and rapt his knuckles on the door. No reply. He tried again. No reply. And again. Still no reply.

He gave up. Summer needed time to cool down, there was nothing more he could do. There was also nowhere for him to go. He'd wisely kept in touch with his parents, so he didn't feel compelled to run home, but he also didn't want to run again.

Ignoring the gathering malevolence of the clouds overhead, Seth retrieved a few articles from his knapsack and prepared himself for an impromptu camping expedition, on Summer's doorstep.

"I hope Mr. Roberts doesn't come home anytime soon," Seth muttered to himself, just before the clouds opened up and expelled an ungodly torrent of rain.

Soaked to the bone in the skies initial bombardment, Seth frowned and tried to cover his Jew-fro with a sweater from his bag. It was going to be a long night, so Seth placed Captain Oats outside the door and huddled himself to the side, beneath the patio awning.

"Cohen, what the hell are you doing?" her voice wasn't piercing like he'd expected it would be. If anything, Summer sounded exasperated rather than annoyed.

Shaking his obvious exhaustion, Seth wriggled out of his sleeping bag and sat up. The rain had soaked him to the bone in the near hour he'd been out in the elements. "I was just waiting..."

Summer grabbed his hand. "Come inside, before you catch a flu or something," she guided him through the door and had him stand in the entry. Returning just a moment later, Summer patted him down with several towels while Seth stood rigid like a board.

"Mind telling me just what you were doing outside?" she asked at last, satisfied that he wouldn't die on her doorstep.

He shook nervously, but steeled his nerves enough to speak. "Yeah, sure, Summer. I was just trying to give you time to cool down. I thought... I thought that you'd want to talk if I gave you some time to think."

"Oh," she murmured, suddenly unsure of herself. Seth fixed him with a look, but not of irritation or hatred or any of the myriad of emotions Seth would have predicated. Summer Roberts seemed genuinely patient and willing to listen. "You can start by telling me what happened. Why did you leave me?"

She asked the one question he knew she would, but the one he'd feared the most. Even after a month of reflection and self-analysis, the answer still sounded trivial and selfish. Maybe he had been trivial and selfish.

"Before Ryan came, I had no friends. Newport was hell for me. The water polo guys would beat me up, no one even spoke to me," Seth sighed, feeling his shoulders sag. "I had nothing... and than Ryan came, and everything got better. I had a friend – a brother – and I even met you. But then Ryan had to leave and I thought everything was falling apart. I thought you'd leave too. You know me, I've never had a lot of confidence, even if I do hide my feelings beneath my steely surface."

Summer giggled lightly at Seth's admission and light joke. "You didn't have to leave, though. You should have stayed; we could have worked all of this out."

Seth just nodded dumbly, like he was a child being scolded. "I'm just so sorry. I needed to come back and tell you how I felt."

"That's just the thing; you still haven't actually told me."

He blinked. "Summer, I love you. You have to know that. I've always loved you. I knew you were different from all the others, maybe that's why I never met anyone and couldn't stay with Anna."

It took everything she had to hold the tears back. She didn't know how, or why, but Seth Cohen just had that effect over her. Ever since that night on the yacht for Caleb's party thing, when Summer had kissed Seth and realized she really did like him, he'd held some sort of spell over her. But she couldn't hate him for it, because it made her feel complete, whole. "Oh Seth..." she whispered, pulling him into a hug, but recoiling.

Seth's eyes widened and filled his tears. He had broken her heart so completely that she couldn't even embrace him without feeling revolted. He guessed that Summer just hated him now.

"We need to get you out of these wet clothes or you'll get sick or something," she murmured against his shoulder. Seth blinked again, glancing down at her. "Follow me," she commanded, so he complied.

Summer ushered Seth into her bedroom, handing him a pair of pyjama bottoms from her father's closet. She waited while he changed, and when he had, she entered again and took a seat on the bed. She patted the empty space beside her, indicating that Seth should join her.

He sat, looking awkward and nervous. "Relax, Cohen. I don't bite. You should remember that, at least."

"Sorry," he muttered, hanging his head.

Her fingers touched his chin. "You've apologized enough already. I can't forgive you yet, but I at least understand your reasoning," Summer yawned. "Look, it's getting late and it's raining, so why don't you spend the night?"

Summer crawled under the covers of her bed, waiting for Seth to join her. Their shared warmth was calming for both parties, but Summer was adamant that they weren't back together yet. She wasn't quite sure if she could trust Seth enough to date him yet. It would take time.

Before falling asleep, Summer snuggled her back up against Seth's bare chest. "You can, like, put your arm around me. You know, if you're cold or something."

Yeah, that's why. But Seth complied, and Summer was surrounded by his surprisingly strong arm. "Summer?"

"Hmmm?"

"I love you."

Maybe she was tired, or maybe she was tired of denying it, but Summer whispered, "Love you too, Cohen."

Both sighing contentedly in the warm company of Summer's bed, Seth and Summer fell asleep. They might not yet be together, but time healed most wounds, and together everything seemed possible.


	3. To Your Heart

Reviews... you guys rock. You're so good to me, here's chapter 3.

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Chapter 3: ...To you heart

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It took several seconds of blinking before Summer Roberts could wrap her mind around the situation at hand. The bright shining rays of the sun were peering through her pink curtains, washing the deep purples of her bedding with a warm and gentle glow. However, it wasn't the status of sunlight that caught her attention; it was the uncanny temperature _beneath_ the covers.

She rolled, a somewhat awkward movement given the tight confines and her caution to avoid awakening her bed partner. Seth Cohen was fast asleep, breathing deeply, his arm still firmly wrapped around her petite body. After a moment of reflection, Summer decided that she had never seen something more perfect. Waking next to Seth was something she wanted to do every day for the rest of her life...

...But what if he left her again? Could she really justify taking that chance? Sure, she loved Seth dearly, with all her heart, but was that enough? Was blind love strong enough to forgive abandonment? Another look at Seth reminded her that it hadn't been abandonment, not in the sense that Summer was familiar with the word. Seth hadn't split like her mother had; he hadn't left in the middle of the night, leaving a little girl alone in a large mansion.

No, he'd been overwhelmed and afraid. Everything he had known was ripped from beneath him. Maybe it had been an overreaction, but Summer knew enough about abandonment and Seth that those two could never walk hand-in-hand. It was then that she decided to forgive him, but she had no intentions of telling him that right away. He had some atonement to make first.

"Wake up, sleepy," she whispered, brushing several dark curls from his forehead. They were stubborn though, returning to their previous location in the puzzle that was Seth's Jew-fro.

His eyelids fluttered, only to retreat and expose his soft hazel eyes. "Mmm," he murmured. "It's a beautiful Summer morning."

"How can you tell? The window is behind you."

"That isn't what I meant, _dear_. I meant you look beautiful this morning."

There was Seth's way with words again, cutting to her core and making her blush – inside and out. "Why thank you," Summer said proudly, having forgotten that she'd just awakened and hadn't had the time to put on makeup. "So, what're your plans for today?"

"Well," he said, stretching and rising to take a position behind her. His arms snaked around her waist, snaring her in his warm embrace. "I thought I'd make you breakfast, then maybe we could head back to my house and check-in with the parentals and hope they don't kill or ground me, then I could begin the first day of the rest of my life in atonement."

"Breakfast would be a good start," she replied cheerily, pecking a kiss on his nose.

A few short hours later, Seth and Summer journeyed over to the Cohen residence, where Seth had grown quite nervous. Summer realized she had the perfect opportunity for a snide remark about his 'vacation', but she bit her tongue and remembered that she wanted to be with this guy... that she loved him.

Seth bit his lip hard, trying to find the courage to ring the doorbell. A line of blood trailed down his chin, but he pressed the bell and waited. A brief second later, Sandy Cohen appeared.

His bushy eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Seth, you're home earlier than you said. Get in here, boy, your mother and I have missed you!"

"Yeah, sorry for leaving and everything..."

"Oh, don't worry about it. We're just happy to see you," Sandy said, as Kirsten Cohen walked in, her jaw dropping, and running across the living room to embrace her son.

She looked at from arm's-length, appraising her son. "Seth, honey, what happened?"

All eyes turned to him.

"What happened, Seth, did Summer hit you?"

Seth turned to look at Summer in horror. She looked back at Seth with the same expression, before realizing Sandy had been joking. "Oh, this," Seth muttered, dabbing at his lip. "I just bit my lip."

"You should have hit him," Kirsten said to Summer in a conspiratorial tone. "We'd have forgiven you; he deserves it."

Summer and Kirsten laughed while Seth looked to his father for support. "Sorry, kid, but the ladies are right. You do kind of deserve it."

"Yeah, well, I'm sorry, alright?"

The renewed family shared a healthy laugh.

* * *

Much later, when Seth and Summer had retreated to Seth's bedroom, Seth found himself struggling to explain things to Summer. Sure, he'd gone through enough soul-searching and heart-wrenching explanation the day before, but now he wanted to tell her just how much he loved her, in a hope that she could possibly forgive him. Maybe they could have another shot at being together.

"Y'know, Summer," Seth started, half-pacing around his room as Summer sat on his bed. "I've been trying to figure out what I can to get back into your good graces, but I can't seem to find the appropriate gesture. I mean, neither of usare eighteen yet, so asking you to marry me is kind of out..."

Summer's mouth gaped open. He had just mentioned asking her to marry him? No, it must have just been her imagination. No, he seriously did mention it, but shot it down because they weren't adults. "Did you just ask me to marry you?"

Seth blinked. "No I didn't. Wait, did I? I mean, I remember mentioning marriage in some context, but I didn't... I mean, I didn't, like, ask you to marry me, did I?"

"No, you said getting married was out because we're not adults yet."

"Oh yes, that's better. I didn't think I'd said that."

Summer could barely hide the mischievous grin that came to her full lips. "Why, are you too good to marry me or something? You mean to say you don't want to marry me?"

Seth's eyes doubled in size. "No, I didn't... that is to say, I didn't say that, per se, like... oh dammit."

"Well, Cohen? What did you mean by it?"

"Look, Summer," he muttered at last, taking a seat beside her on his bed. "I'm scared, okay? I know I made all the mistakes, leaving and everything, but I'm deathly afraid that I've made _too many_ mistakes and things can never be right between us again."

Summer touched his face with the back of her hand, caressing his cheek. She was surprised to feel wetness, and noticed several tears had broken free and were running down his cheeks. "Seth..."

"No, let me finish," he said, fighting a sniffle. "You're my whole world and I can't imagine my life without you, so I need to do something so monumental that you know it. So, yes, I've thought about asking you to marry me. No, I'm not too good to marry you; _you're_ too good for _me_. Of course I want to marry you. I can't imagine my future without you in it..." he trailed off for a moment, trying to dry his eyes. "I can see our wedding. It would be under this big arch – kind of like my grandpa's and Julie's, except more modest, and Ryan, and dad, and Luke, would be dressed as my groomsmen, all of us in tuxedos. You'd have Marissa, probably my mom, and Anna as your bridesmaids."

He took a deep breath and continued, having completely forgotten that Summer was still there, watching him describe their wedding in detail. "And then the organ would start. Your dad would give you away, and you'd be the most beautiful woman ever, dressed in a beautiful white silk dress with lilies in your hair. Down, not up. Well, maybe a little up, but your hair would frame your face like it always does when your hair is down... and as you walked down the aisle, I'd feel tears well up in my eyes because I was so surprised that you were actually marrying me. You'd see my tears and tear up yourself, and we'd be a crying mess by the time you got to the altar."

Summer's eyes were so wide by the time Seth finished that she didn't dare close them. Her cheeks were stained with running mascara from the silent tears that had fallen. Seth's admission had stolen her heart in a way that no one ever could. It was impossible for words to describe; he was just the most amazing man ever.

"Seth," she said softly, but he was breathing too deeply to notice. "Seth," she said louder, causing him to start.

"Oh damn, did I say all of that out loud?" he asked, shaking from fright.

Summer nodded meekly, rising to her fight on shaky legs and rubber knees. "Did you mean all of that?"

He looked at her and nodded dumbly. "I've had that fantasy for a long time."

"Seth," she choked out again, forgetting that she was calling him by his first name. "God, I love you," they met, as tight an embrace as any person could give. Kisses just wouldn't cut it, they needed to be closer. "And I forgive you, just never leave me again!"

Her reprimand had come off as a plea, so Seth held her as tightly as he could. "Can we be together now?" he asked quietly, rubbing his fingers through her silky hair.

"We were together when you woke up next to me," she cried softly. "Just like you had better tomorrow."

Seth nodded slowly, backing Summer up so the bed buckled her knees. He knelt in front of her and pressed a kiss against her forehead, then to her nose, and finally brushing her lips. There was no force in the world that could prevent him from waking up next to that girl. He decided, then and there, that he would spend his life waking up with her – even if they couldn't do it in person, he'd call, so they could always be together at the beginning of the new day. It'd be his way back to her heart.

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Thanks again, I can't wait for the next ones. I'll probably do some jumping around, but expect Mr. Roberts to feature a cameo shortly. 


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